Like his mother used to !!!!!

He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe
Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped him tight...
Like his mother used to !!!!!

Growing old is not fun!!!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal SWAT pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

Marital Bliss

"Hi, what r u doing Darling?" Wife: I'm dying..! Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?" Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.." Husband: "Bloody English Language!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angry wife to her husband An Angry Wife To Her Husband on Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ...?" Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw the Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money that Time n I said "Baby, It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: "O Yeah I Remember That My Love!" Husband: "Well, I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Special Package for Business Men. An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket and Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?" ===================================================================================== Husband was seriously ill Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: "Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewelleries. Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok". On the way home.. Husband asked his wife: "what did the doc say ?" Wife replied: "The Doc said that there is no chance for u to survive". ===================================================================================== An intelligent wife ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women" ===================================================================================== New SIM to surprise her husband Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number. "Hello Darling". The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.." ===================================================================================== Wife treats husband A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday .. At The Club: Doorman Says: "Hi Jim How R You?" Wife Asks: "How Does He Know You?" Jim Says: "Oh dear, we play football every week". Inside Barman Says: "The Usual Jim ?" Jim Says To Wife: "Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local bar". Next A Lap Dancer Says:" Hi Jim, Do You Crave Special Again?" The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi.. Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.." Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday. Poor Jim.... ==================================================================================== Cool message by a wife Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement" ===================================================================================== Sweet demand by kid A Sweet demand by a kid. A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked: "What happened son?" Kid said: "I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own". ==================================================================================== Throwing knives on wife's picture Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?" His honest reply, "MISSING U" ==================================================================================== I will think about it When a married man says "I'll think about it", What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.. ==================================================================================== Habit of talking in sleep A Lady to Doctor: My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure? Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he's awake. ===================================================================================== Part & Art of living Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living... But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living. ===================================================================================== Head & Neck of the family It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants. ===================================================================================== Wife: Do you want dinner? Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?" Wife: "Two...............................Yes & No..." ===================================================================================== What is the Difference between Mother & Wife? A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so. ===================================================================================== Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." ===================================================================================== Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman". Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire" ===================================================================================== Wife: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" Darling: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears". Wife:" You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Darling: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?" ===================================================================================== Wife: honey, what r u looking for? Husband: nothing Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate for an hour? Husband: i was just looking for the expiry date ===================================================================================== Do you know the meaning of WIFE? Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means... Without Information, Fighting Everytime! WIFE says: No darling, it means: With Idiot For Ever ===================================================================================== Wife wish Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day. ====================================================================================== A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. ===================================================================================== Husband, wife & spare tyre HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE.... ===================================================================================== Too late for garbage Wife Running After A Garbage Truck: Am I Too Late For The Garbage? Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet. Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt. ===================================================================================== A man came home late at night after a party. His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?" The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'! Monday passed and he didn’t see her...... Tuesday and Wednesday passed too..... On Thursday his swelling became better And now he could see her from the corner of one eye. ===================================================================================== Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)? Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!" ===================================================================================== Why women starts with W You know why women starts with 'W'... because all questions start with "W".. ! Who ? Why ? What ? When ? Which ? Whom ? Where ? & Finally Wife..!!! ===================================================================================== NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN. ===================================================================================== Difference between Friend & Wife U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend" But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?" ==================================================================================== Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes! Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!! ===================================================================================== A recently fired stock trader said ... "This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..." ===================================================================================== Message of the year:- Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!! Why? Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!! ===================================================================================== Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you. Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life. ==================================================================================== Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover? Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week. ===================================================================================== Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you.!!