Where are your Glasses?

1.Where are your Glasses?

I love this one! I would never be able to think of a reply like this one!

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.   I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!    This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.





2.There are times when a hard tall drink of near pure alcohol is not only needed but fully justified – judge for yourself.

A guy came into a bar and says to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The following day the same guy wal

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ks into the bar and asks for a repeat order of the previous day. When the bartender enquires what’s the problem today, the guy answers, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy enters the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."




3.A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his  first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No." replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

एक सफेद सूट तो दिला जाते,

पप्पू की पत्नि ने सुबह उठते ही 
अपने पति को पँखे से रस्सी बाँधते 
हुए देखा ....
तो घबरा कर पूछा -ये आप क्या 
कर रहे हो जी ? 
.
.
पप्पू ने दुखी स्वर मेँ
कहा - मैँ तेरी रोज रोज की
फरमाईशों से तँग आ गया हूँ ,
इसलिये खुदकुशी करने जा रहा हूँ ..
.
.
पत्नि ने सुनते ही दहाडें
मार-मार कर रोना शुरु कर
दिया और बोली - एक सफेद सूट तो
दिला जाते,
तेरहवीं पर क्या पहनूँगी ?

Intelligent Husband

Intelligent Husband 
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes. 
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
.
Clothes unpacked.

hansi khushi zindagi

 Padosi: Yaar tere ghar se roz hansi ki awaz aati hai... Is khush haal zindagi ka raaz kya hai?

Aadmi: Meri Biwi mujhe jooton se maarti hai,
Lag jaay to wo hansti hai,
Na Lage to main hansta hoon.
KHUDA ka shukr hai, hansi khushi zindagi guzar rahi hai.

wife knows everything

laugh laugh and laugh

Wife

1. Mistakes 'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."- Shakespeare "Laughing At Your Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten Your Life"- Shakespeare's Wife

2. Four stages of marriage: Mad for each other, Made for each other, Mad at each other Mad because of each other 3. What's Marriage? Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans That Destroys All The Six Senses And Makes The Person NON Sense...! 4. Definition Of Happy Couple - HE Does What SHE Wants… SHE Does What SHE Wants. 5. Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command. Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband!!!

Marriage Gyan

Marriage Gyan       1. How BEDROOM smells       After MARRIAGE:  1st 3 yrs---perfumes, Flowers, Chocolate, Fruits..       After 3 yrs---Baby powder, Johnsons Cream and Lotions, Baby oils..       After 15 yrs---Zandu Balm, Vicks, Iodex, Relispray..       After 40 yrs---Agarbatti...   ***********************************************       2.Four stages of marriage:       Mad for each other,       Made for each other,       Mad at each other       Mad because of each other       3.What's Marriage?       Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans       That Destroys All The Six Senses       And Makes The Person NON Sense..!       4. Definition Of Happy Couple -       HE Does What SHE Wants.       SHE Does What SHE Wants.       5. Wife to Husband: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.       Husband replies: Exactly darling! It's a computer, not a Husband..!!       6.'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes,  Can Lengthen Your Life."-  Shakespear       "Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes,  Can Shorten Ur Life."-  Shakespear's Wife       7.Wife to Husband Agar meri shaadi kisi " Raakshas" se bhi ho jaati taw  mai itni Pareshaan nahi hoti jitni tumare saath hun.       Awesome Reply   Husband :  Are pagli, Blood Relation may shaadiyan kahaan hoti hain.. !!!

Wife is always right

Pati : Aaj sabji mei namak thoda zyada lag raha hai..
Patni : Namak barabar hai...Sabji thodi kaam thi... 
★★Wife is always right★★

If wife kisses every time

If wife kisses every time U come back home, remember its not affection,
its INSPECTION of 
daru,
perfume
or 
Lipstick

Be Careful.
Janhit me jari..

where and how much to use your strength....something in lighter way to laugh

एक आदमी किसी कॉलेज के टॉयलेट में गया...
अंदर टॉयलेट सीट पर बैठा तो देखा सामने दिवार पर लिखा हुआ था-

"इतना जोर अगर पढ़ाई में लगाता तो आज किसी अच्छी सीट पर बैठा होता !"

A Marwari salesman

A Marwadi Salesman

New MBA (Marketing) curriculum:

To add a valuable lesson from a pragmatic Marwadi Salesman.

 

A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at  London's premier downtown department store - the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

 

The boss asked him: "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

 

"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.

 

The boss liked the cut of him and said: "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see how you do."

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked: "How many sales did you make today?"

 

"Sir, Just ONE sale," said the young salesman.

 

"Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

 

"93,30,05,34/- Sterling Pounds," said the young Marwadi.

 

"What!!! How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4 x 4 Blazer.

 

I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 Stlg. Pounds worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment: "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook????!"

 

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, Your weekend's spoiled anyway, you might as well go fishing."

 

Boss: "You better sit in my chair....... .!!"

 

 

 

Marriage v/s Divorce

पहला - मैं शादी करने जा रहा हूँ क्योंकि

कपड़े धो-धो कर, झाड़ू लगा-लगा कर और

बाहर का खाना खा-खा कर मैं तंग आ गया हूँ !

दूसरा - कमाल है ! बिलकुल इन्ही वजहों से

तंग आकर मैं तलाक लेने जा रहा हूँ !!!

Odd demands and fit reply

पति--आज ऐसी चाय बनाओ कि पीते ही तन बदन झूमने लगे और मन नाचने लगे । 
पत्नि--हमारे यहाँ भैंस का दूध आता है नागिन का नहीं:))))

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !' The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky. Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.

Unspoken truth experienced by all....

1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:

All women are devils...
But my wife is QUEEN of them!

2 Man was sent on earth to suffer...
Woman was sent to make sure it happens!
 
3. A man asked for poison.
Chemist refused, since it required prescription.
He showed his Marriage Certificate.
Chemist: Thank you.  What size would you like?

4. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and other is husband!

5. Husband & Wife always compromise.
    Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.

6. Husband & wife had a long argument.
    Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?

7. A man speaks 25000 words daily,
a woman speaks 30000 words.
Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000, & wife         begin her quota of 30000 words!


8. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:
     (1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &
     (2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.

*   He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;
*   He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;
* the one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &
*   the one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!
 
9.  No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...
     No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…
     No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...
     No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…
     Natural Disasters just happen…!!!

10. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
      The mafia wants either money or life...
      The wives want both!

11. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

12. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.  It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

13. Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.  Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

14. Whisky is a brilliant invention…
      One double and you start feeling single again.

sell your hubby on Ebay

Daughter –

Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

I am in Australia and he lives in the UK.

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,

he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.

Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father-

"Wow! Really!!

Then get married on Twitter,

have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.

And if you are fed up with your husband...

sell him on Ebay".

Wife knows EVERYTHING!

A SUPERB ad in paper:
"FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition.

Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. 
Wife knows EVERYTHING!"

Usey... "WIFE" Kehte

Duniya ke 2 sabse Mushkil Kaam 


1-Apni baat Kisi Aur Ke dimag Me Fit Karna..! 

2- Kisi Aur Ka Paisa Apni Jeb Mein shift karna! 


Jo Pehle Me Kamyab Hota Hai, Usey "Teacher" Kehte Hain,

Jo Doosre Me Kamyab Hota Hai, Usey "Business Man" Kehte 

hain 

Aur Jo 

 Dono 

 Mein Kamyab Hoti Hai Usey... "WIFE" Kehte

Hain....

customs for Apology if accidently man tore a girl’s short miniskirt

 

International customs for Apology
Japan Tokyo
A man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt in Tokyo. Before he had a chance to apologize, the girl did a 90 degree bow, and said: “I am sorry to give you trouble! The quality of my skirt is not good.” Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

New York, Time Square...
A man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before he had a chance to react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying : “This is my lawyer’s card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment. Better you prepare yourself, then we will see you in court.”

Paris, France
A French man accidently tore a girls’ miniskirt. Before he opened his mouth, the young girl said with a smile: “If you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology.” The French man bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly went to a hotel discussing what was in the miniskirt .

Thames, England
In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidently tore the mini skirt of a young lady. Before he could open his mouth, the young lady covered her torn spot, then said with a blush on her face: “Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close by…” The English man took his jacket off, put it on her shoulders, called a cab and took her home safely.

China, Chong Qing, China:
A man accidently cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man could say anything, the young lady slapped the guy and shouted. “You, sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me, I will make sure you go to the labor camp…”

Taiwan Shimending
A man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt. Before the guy could say a word, the girl smiled and said: “We have not settled on the price yet, and you want to inspect the merchandise?”

Korea
On the street of Yinchong, a man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before the man could speak, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: “Don’t you know that I have a second degree black belt in Tai Kwan Dao.”

Bangkok, Thailand
A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18 years old girl. Before the man could apologize, the girl said with a Buddha hand gesture: “No worries honey, ……we are all men .”
THIS IS NOT APOLOGY BUT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN MEDIA
Delhi, India
A man accidentally tore the mini skirt of a girl in Connaught place. Arnab Goswami shouted on Times Now: We are the first TV channel to unveil this exclusively. We shall track this to the very end. The Nation is watching!