Thursday, July 28, 2011

Humor and marriage




Humor in Marriage Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!

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Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
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No person Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Spouse
Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.

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Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.
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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Whiskey is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

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It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle,
Million soldiers to protect a country, but just
One woman to make a Happy Home
A Good Maid!

CBI inquiry .....next time becareful while talking ...

सरकारी नाई ने बाल काटते समय कपिल सिब्बल से पूछा.. साहब यह स्विस बैंक वाला क्या लफड़ा है... सिब्बल चिल्लाये अबे तू बाल काट रहा है या इन्क्वारी कर रहा है .. ... नाई बोला सॉरी अब नहीं पूछूँगा... अगली बार नाई ने चिदम्बरम साहब से पूछा यह काला धन क्या होता है.. ...चिदम्बरम चिल्लाये और बोले तुम हमसे ये सावल क्यूँ पूछता है.. अगले दिन नाई से सी बी आई की टीम ने पूछताछ की... क्या तुम बाबा या अन्ना के एजेंट हो... नाई बोला नहीं साबजी.. तो फिर तुम बाल काटते वक़्त काग्रेस के नेताओं फालतू के सवाल क्यूँ करते हो..... नाई बोला साहब ना जाने क्यूँ स्विस बैंक और काले धन के नाम पर इन कांग्रेसियों के बाल खड़े हो जाते है और मुझे बाल काटने में आसानी हो जाती है....इसलिए पूछता रहता हूँ

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Leave Applications_Enjoy!!!

See, how people write leave Applications.   It's murder of the English language. But Too Funny.   Just Read It.
The Leave Applications;)

?
Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."


?
This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

? Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave.."


?
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

? Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"


?
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."

? A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

? Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."

? Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

? Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."

? Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

? Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

? A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.
 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Love marriage

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems......

Shot after shot.........

The Indian man said to the American, 'We have real problem in India. We can't marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love ......I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my step=daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.'

The Indian fainted........!!!



Cheers…and have a shot.

Monday, July 18, 2011

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

BEING A COURT REPORTER IS NOT EASY.
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Urdu ...should it be made compulsory?????


I always agree to disagree. You r right in ur own way. But I wish to only work for future of our next generation. I wonder how our youngsters can learn how Japanese thrive back again and again. I don't have any interest in history. Don't want to know who my great grand father was but want to see that our great grand son / daughters become, Azim, Narayanan, Anna, Baba Amte ( means good in industry, or in social field or in education) etc etc.
Thanks and Regards,
Alok Tholiya



From: Asghar Vasanwala <asgharf@att.net>
To: 'Mr Alok Tholiya' <tholiya@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tuesday, 12 July 2011 2:42 AM
Subject: RE: All other Indian languages are State languages; Urdu is not. Therefore, Urdu is not a compulsory subject in any state and its readership is declining.

Dear Mr. Alok,
You should understand that any society has past. It is written record and oral tradition of their culture that keeps their existence. Most Muslims in north India, Rajasthan, Bihar and Telagana, and Maharashtra have their tradition recorded in Urdu only. It is very important that present generation read and know who were their forefathers.
Asghar
 
From: Mr Alok Tholiya [mailto:tholiya@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2011 9:19 AM
To: Asghar Vasanwala; poetry-opinions-currenttopics@lists.elistx.com
Cc: menow@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: All other Indian languages are State languages; Urdu is not. Therefore, Urdu is not a compulsory subject in any state and its readership is declining.
Cud not find time to read mail but title and sender name suggests the fanaticism. 
 
I m originally for Rajasthan but born in Mumbai. I do not know marwadi and does not like to know or does not want my children to learn. Communication is importance which ever language gives me media to communicate to my target audience just that is imp. to me. 
 
 
Thanks and Regards,
Alok Tholiya


 


From: Asghar Vasanwala <asgharfv@gmail.com>
To: poetry-opinions-currenttopics@lists.elistx.com
Sent: Wednesday, 6 July 2011 12:57 AM
Subject: All other Indian languages are State languages; Urdu is not. Therefore, Urdu is not a compulsory subject in any state and its readership is declining.

Urdu media modernises, but declining readership a worry
Submitted by admin4 </user/admin4>  on 4 July 2011 - 4:24 pm
*    Indian Muslim </news/indian-muslim>
By Abu Zafar, IANS
New Delhi : Overcoming technical and commercial challenges, Urdu media in
India is now trying to re-invent itself as big corporate houses enter the
market. But the wider problem of lack of readership persists.
The advent of the digital technology has made it easier to print Urdu. Gone
are the days when 'qatibs' (calligraphers) diligently traced out the script
on to transparencies and then the letters were inverted before printing them
on a lithographic machine. Now it is done through desktop composing and
printing, just like with other languages.
Financial constraints are also easing.
According to Aziz Burney, group editor of the Roznama Rashtriya Sahara
daily, big corporate houses are now keen on entering the market and are
investing in the Urdu media - something which was unimaginable about a
decade ago.
"There is a lot more job opportunities in the Urdu media today than what the
position was in yesteryears," Burney told IANS, painting a contrast to the
times when the media was facing a lack of good content.
The Roznama Rashtriya Sahara publishes 16 editions from 10 places across the
country and claims a readership of over three million. It also publishes the
Aalmi Sahara, a weekly newsmagazine, and the Bazm-e-Sahara, a literary and
culture monthly.
In a sign of the resurging popularity of the Urdu media, the Dainik Jagran
group started Daily Inquilab newspaper with New Delhi, Lucknow, Allahabad,
Gorakhpur and Varanasi editions. The United News Of India's (UNI) Urdu
service, which was launched in 1992 with six subscribers, now is said to
have 84 subscribers in different parts of India.
According to the Registrar of Newspapers for India (RNI), Urdu stands third
in terms of number of periodical publications after Hindi and English.
However, the biggest problem is of the declining number of people able to
read Urdu. Munir Adil, editor of the Daily Salar in Bangalore, thinks the
biggest problem that the Urdu media faces today is that of readership.
"The Urdu language is commonly used in Bollywood, but falling number of
readership of Urdu newspapers is the biggest challenge," Adil told IANS.
"The elite class is obsessed with the English language."
Others in the field seek a greater stress on content.
Noting that there has been "new colour, new life and new courage in Urdu
journalism in India", Adeel Akhtar, president of journalists union
Journalism for Justice, told IANS: "The Urdu media needs to focus on
investigative journalism and the trend of depending on news agencies should
be changed now."
The view is shared by Ehtesham Ahmed Khan, associate professor at the School
of Mass Communication and Journalism in Maulana Azad National Urdu
University at Hyderabad.
"The Urdu media needs to focus on its content because content is king," he
said.
Journalists however raise several problems with regard to working
conditions. "There is no job security in the Urdu media, nor do we have a
strong union backing us," Mohammed Mubashiruddin Khurram of The Daily Siasat
said.
And gathering news is not the sole preoccupation. "We have to gather news as
well as advertisements for revenue, "Alamuallah Islahi of the Daily Sahafat
newspaper told IANS.
According to Srinagar-based journalist Sareer Khalid, Urdu journalists need
to be better trained.
Going one step ahead, Rehana Bastiwala of BBC Urdu said: "For a better Urdu
media, the standard of Urdu schools should be improved".
However, the situation in the electronic media is better. According to
Rashtriya Sahara more than 90 million people speak Urdu in India, of whom 40
million are television viewers. There are at least five Urdu news channels,
including Doordarshan Urdu, ETV Urdu, Aalmi Sahara and Munsif TV, apart from
some others dedicated to religious content.
"The reach of Urdu news channels is massive. A person who knows Hindi can
easily understand Urdu," Burney said.
As far as radio services is concerned, BBC Urdu, which was started in 1940,
has a big impact in India. Apart from BBC, Voice of America, Radio Deutsche
Welle and All India Radio's Urdu services are also popular in Urdu speaking
belts.
(Abu Zafar can be contacted at abuzafar@journalist.com)









Thursday, July 7, 2011

so cute........but dangerous thing to try at home.......

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME….
Subject: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H... I,J,K.......
After being married for thirty years... a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...... ummmm ........I, J, K."
She asks..."What does that mean darling?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen.
~~~