Friday, November 9, 2012

Fooling a greedy ....

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very

sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd yo
u get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,

'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50 ?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Saturday, October 20, 2012

three days later Jesus rose from the dead...so will my wife.....??

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told therr
husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury
her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't
take that chance.

Politicians,Police and bureacrats are the easiest to operate

While having lunch five surgeons from big cities are discussing who
makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.”
The second surgeon, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over."
The fifth surgeon, from INDIA , shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians,Police and bureacrats are the easiest to operate
on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Giving up Chocolate .....Ha ...Ha....Ha...


Giving Up Chocolate I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said,'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'           

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Grandmas don't know everything!

Grandmas don't know everything!

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
...
and asked his 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback.

But she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’

‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Thursday, October 4, 2012

True but yet u can laugh

image001.jpg
image002.jpg
image003.jpg
1. God - Beta, 'Mannat' maang.
Man - Please mujhe phir se unmarried kara do.
God - Beta
'Mannat' maangne ko kaha hai,"Jannat" nahi !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. There are3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Puri Life ko Sudhaarne k liye ek Wife kafi hai,
Par ek Wife ko sudhaarne k liye
puri LIFE bhi kam hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4. Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men. WHY?
A very Intelligent Sardar replied: Women don't have a wife!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Laugh and learn to turn table ....

A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" 

The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU !!!". 

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice,"Rs 20,000 FOR ONE NIGHT ? THAT'S TOO MUCH !"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ears, "I study Law and know how to make someone feel guilty." 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Lawyers across the world are the same.


Indur K Chhugani  on Facebook : 
Lawyers across the world are the same.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Gangu, has cheated him out of Rs 10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Gangu would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Gangu about his missing Rs 10,000,000.00 he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Gangu: “Where's the money?”

Gangu signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Gangu's head and says:

"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Gangu: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Gangu trembles and signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Taklya's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Do u think u hv seen such lawyers frequently????

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Laloo in Microsoft


Laloo sent his BioData to apply for a post in Microsoft USA. Few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements.
...

Please do not send any further correspondence.

... No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks

Bill Gates.

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference-

"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogi ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayi hai."

Everyone was delighted. He continued "Ab hum aap sab ko apna appointment Letter padhkar sunaungaa ? Par letter angrezi mein hai isliye saath-saath Hindi main translate bhi karunga, ek ek line."

Dear Mr. Laloo -Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiya

You do not meet -aap to milte hi nahin ho

our requirement -humko to zarurat hai

Please do not send any further correspondence -ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zarurat nahin

No phone call -phoonwa ka bhi zarurat nahin hai

shall be entertained -bahut khaatir ki jayegi

Thanks -aapka bahut dhanyavad

Bill Gates - Tohar Bilva

Monday, September 3, 2012

Wise Italian Grandfather

Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.................
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

THE Jewish Grandma ......


THE Jewish Grandma
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.........
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

Friday, August 24, 2012

MBA girl in a hot ballon

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she  was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
  She descended a bit more and shouted,
  "Excuse me Sir, can you help me? I promised a friend, I would meet him  an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
  The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering  approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees  north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
  ''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.
  "I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'
  ''Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me  is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,  and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at  all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
  The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
  ''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?''
  "Well," said the Engineer, You don't know where you are or where you're  going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect  people beneath you, to solve your problems!!!"

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Inspite of all this LOVE your wife ...


A woman is always right..

Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless,

unchangeable & even downright stupid; but never wrong..!!!



2. सुख तो आपका पुण्य होगा उतना मिलेगा.....

लेकिन,

शांति तो आपकी घरवाली की इच्छा होगी उतनी ही मिलेगी!



4. Man was sent on earth to suffer...

Women was sent to make sure it happens!



5. अच्छी बीवी और चुड़ैल में क्या समानता है?

दोनों के बारे में बहुत सुना है, पर किसीने कभी देखा नहीं!!



6. A man asked for poison.

Chemist refused, since it required prescription.

He showed his Marriage Certificate.

Chemist: बस कर भाई, रुलाएगा क्या? बड़ी बोतल दू या छोटी?



7. डॉक्टर: ये 3 दांत कैसे टूटे?

मरीज़: जी, वो... बीवी ने लड्डू बनाये थे....

डॉक्टर: तो ना बोल देते!

मरीज़: तो तो पुरे 32 के 32 टूट जाते...!!!



8. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,

And other is husband!



9. Husband & Wife always compromise.

Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.



10. Husband & wife had a long argument.

Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?



11. A man speaks 25000 words daily,

a woman speaks 30000 words.

Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000,

&

wife starts her quota of 30000 words!



12. बीवी: तुमने कभी सोचा, मेरी शादी किसी और से होती तो क्या होता?

पति: नहीं.... में कभी किसीका बूरा नहीं सोचता...!!



13. Boy: My dad is billionaire & 93-years old.

He will die soon.

Will you marry me?

Girl: NO.

A week later she became his step-mother.

Moral: Don’t give ideas to girls.



14. समुन्दर से कहे दो अपनी लहेरो को समेट के रखे,

ज़िन्दगी में तूफान लाने के लिए घरवाली ही काफी है....



15. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:

(1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &

(2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.

* He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;

* He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;

* The one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &

* The one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!



16. उसने कहा: मेरी बीवी तो स्वर्ग की अप्सरा है...

हमने कहा: खुशनसीब हो मेरे भाई,

मेरी तो जिंदा और जान-लेवा है...!!





18. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It Means-Worries Invited For Ever...

Wife: No; it means- With Idiot For Ever !!!



19. Three dolls in a man’s Life:

(i) His Daughter: Barbie Doll

(ii) His Girlfriend: Baby Doll

(iii) His Wife: डामाडोल...!!!



20. No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...

No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…

No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...

No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…

Natural Disasters just happen…!!!



22. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'

Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.



23. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!





25. Whisky is a brilliant invention…

One double and you start feeling single again.





27. STILL PEOPLE WANT TO MARRY!!!

FULL FORM OF SHAADI  "शादी"

S - शांति भंग

H - हिम्मत ख़तम

A - आजादी समाप्त

A - आराम हराम

D - दिमाग ख़राब

I - इंसान खलास..!



28. सरदार ने Airhostess से कहा: आपकी सूरत और आवाज़ बिलकुल मेरी बीवी जैसी है.

Airhostess ने एक तमाचा मार दिया...

सरदार: कमाल है; आदत भी वैसी ही है.!!!



29. बीवी: अगर में खो गयी, तो क्या करोगे??

संता: में निर्मल बाबा के पास जाऊंगा.

बीवी: तुम कितने अच्छे हो... क्या कहोगे उनसे?

संता: कहूँगा, बाबा, आप की कृपा हो गयी.!!!



30. पत्नी ने पति के गाल पे जोरदार तमाचा मार के मच्छर मार दिया.

पति गुस्से हो गया...

पत्नी: जो खून मुझे पीना है, वो कोई दूसरा पी जाए, तो कैसे चलेगा?!



31. American: In India, do you guys call your wives ‘HONEY’ in your native language?

Indian: Oh no; we call them BEE-BEE… they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE…



32. एक आदमी मंदिर में बोल रहा था:

हे भगवान,

तेरी दया,

तेरी कृपा,

तेरी श्रद्धा,

तेरी आराधना,

तेरी अर्चना,

तेरी भक्ति,

तेरी पूजा,

तेरी आरती,

तेरी माया,

तेरी गीता,

तेरी विद्या,

तेरी रिद्धि,

तेरी सिद्धि,

तेरी लक्ष्मी,

तेरी करुणा,

तेरी महेर,

तेरी लीला..

...... मेरी एक भी नहीं...!!??



Lastly, in Gujarati language:

લખુભા: મારી પત્ની તો દેવી છે...


જોરુભા: દેવી તો મારે ય છે; પણ એને લ્યે કોણ..??!!

Monday, August 6, 2012

HOW IT MEANS TO YOU??



It doesn't mean the same thing
When men and women use the same words, it doesn't mean
the same thing.
Relationship - Woman: a man who will support me emotionally
and economically; Man: I can get laid whenever I want
Looking for fun - Woman: let's have dinner, go to a movie
and then go dancing, and he pays for it all; Man - let's
have sex, at your place
Separated - Woman: my husband left me; Man: I'm still
married and looking for sex on the side
Always horny - Woman; once a week; Man: twice a day
Athletic body - Woman: I work out 5 times a week; Man - I played
football in high school
Dr. Anand Jhawar

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

wife and mobile no.


A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"


After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

 

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

 

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

 

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


Monday, July 23, 2012

Lets go into a humourous mood....Sindhi se panga mat lena

> 7 Sindhis and 7 Marwadis are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
>
> SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
>
> ------------------------------
-------- -----------------------------------------------
> 7 sindhis take only 1 Ticket and 7 marwadis buy all 7 tickets..
> Marwadis are desperately waiting for TC to come......
>
>
> When TC arrives, all 7 sindhis get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come but with the ticket and the TC goes away....
>
> NOW on return Journey they don't find a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger train till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL train to PUNE.
>
>
>
> SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
>
> ---------------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------- -------
> Marwadis decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Marwadis take 1 Ticket Sindhis don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
>
>
>
> TC arrives....
>
> ALL Marwadis IN ONE TOILET. ALL Sindhis IN THE TOILET OPPOSITE.
>
> One Sindhi gets out and knocks the door of Marwadis toilet, One hand comes with the ticket, he takes the ticket and goes back in Sindhis toilet...
>
>
>
> TC DRIVES out ALL the Marwadis from the toilet and they are heavily fined.
>
> SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> SO now both the groups are at LONAVALA station. Marwadis planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
>
> This time marwadis decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
>
>
>
> ALL marwadis buy 1 ticket...Sindhis BUY all 7 tickets this time...
> When the TC Comes.. All Sindhis showed their tickets ................... ....
>
> Marwadis are still searching for a toilet in the LOCAL train...........
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: Technically intelligent people may be geniuses, but don't mess with Sindhis.
 


--Forwarded Message Attachment--
From: narayanan_rups@yahoo.com
Subject: Fw: Sindhi Genius
To: hemahem@rediffmail.com; deeps999@gmail.com; narayanan_pushpa@hotmail.com


---
Dear all,
Lets go into a humourous mood.
regards,
Thaila
> 7 Sindhis and 7 Marwadis are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
>
> SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
>
> ------------------------------
-------- -----------------------------------------------
> 7 sindhis take only 1 Ticket and 7 marwadis buy all 7 tickets..
> Marwadis are desperately waiting for TC to come......
>
>
> When TC arrives, all 7 sindhis get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come but with the ticket and the TC goes away....
>
> NOW on return Journey they don't find a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger train till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL train to PUNE.
>
>
>
> SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
>
> ---------------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------- -------
> Marwadis decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Marwadis take 1 Ticket Sindhis don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
>
>
>
> TC arrives....
>
> ALL Marwadis IN ONE TOILET. ALL Sindhis IN THE TOILET OPPOSITE.
>
> One Sindhi gets out and knocks the door of Marwadis toilet, One hand comes with the ticket, he takes the ticket and goes back in Sindhis toilet...
>
>
>
> TC DRIVES out ALL the Marwadis from the toilet and they are heavily fined.
>
> SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> SO now both the groups are at LONAVALA station. Marwadis planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
>
> This time marwadis decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
>
>
>
> ALL marwadis buy 1 ticket...Sindhis BUY all 7 tickets this time...
> When the TC Comes.. All Sindhis showed their tickets ................... ....
>
> Marwadis are still searching for a toilet in the LOCAL train...........
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: Technically intelligent people may be geniuses, but don't mess with Sindhis.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM..lesson I learnt from a joke



 It was educative and yet
extremely humorous.
What I learnt:
1. Novel way of gifting: health week / health food/ gym machine etc..( New
gifting Ideas)
2. Have pick up  Van  for ailing senior citizens who desire to go for
darshan / prayer ( I remember how my mother was looking forward for some
escort van for going to temple but it was not daily feasible for us to do
so )
3. One likes other till other person is meeting his requirement and the
moment he is contrary to your expectations he is a bastar....( specially in
Indian contacts a bride is a enemy if she can not bring enough to satisfy
greed of people like Asa , Paxas, Nisant)
Thanks once again
and Regards,
Alok Tholiya,

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.___________________

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Creepo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
 half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny babe to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Sardarji of modern era...tech savvy and intelligent too


A Young Sardarji saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".

Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.
Give the Sardarji  a medal!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Like his mother used to !!!!!


He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.


Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe
Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do

I turned around and slapped him tight...
Like his mother used to !!!!!
Winking smile

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Growing old is not fun!!!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal SWAT pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

Friday, May 4, 2012

Marital Bliss

"Hi, what r u doing Darling?" Wife: I'm dying..! Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?" Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.." Husband: "Bloody English Language!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angry wife to her husband An Angry Wife To Her Husband on Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ...?" Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw the Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money that Time n I said "Baby, It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: "O Yeah I Remember That My Love!" Husband: "Well, I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Special Package for Business Men. An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket and Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?" ===================================================================================== Husband was seriously ill Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: "Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewelleries. Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok". On the way home.. Husband asked his wife: "what did the doc say ?" Wife replied: "The Doc said that there is no chance for u to survive". ===================================================================================== An intelligent wife ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women" ===================================================================================== New SIM to surprise her husband Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number. "Hello Darling". The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.." ===================================================================================== Wife treats husband A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday .. At The Club: Doorman Says: "Hi Jim How R You?" Wife Asks: "How Does He Know You?" Jim Says: "Oh dear, we play football every week". Inside Barman Says: "The Usual Jim ?" Jim Says To Wife: "Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local bar". Next A Lap Dancer Says:" Hi Jim, Do You Crave Special Again?" The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi.. Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.." Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday. Poor Jim.... ==================================================================================== Cool message by a wife Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement" ===================================================================================== Sweet demand by kid A Sweet demand by a kid. A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked: "What happened son?" Kid said: "I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own". ==================================================================================== Throwing knives on wife's picture Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?" His honest reply, "MISSING U" ==================================================================================== I will think about it When a married man says "I'll think about it", What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.. ==================================================================================== Habit of talking in sleep A Lady to Doctor: My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure? Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he's awake. ===================================================================================== Part & Art of living Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living... But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living. ===================================================================================== Head & Neck of the family It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants. ===================================================================================== Wife: Do you want dinner? Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?" Wife: "Two...............................Yes & No..." ===================================================================================== What is the Difference between Mother & Wife? A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so. ===================================================================================== Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." ===================================================================================== Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman". Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire" ===================================================================================== Wife: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" Darling: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears". Wife:" You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Darling: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?" ===================================================================================== Wife: honey, what r u looking for? Husband: nothing Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate for an hour? Husband: i was just looking for the expiry date ===================================================================================== Do you know the meaning of WIFE? Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means... Without Information, Fighting Everytime! WIFE says: No darling, it means: With Idiot For Ever ===================================================================================== Wife wish Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day. ====================================================================================== A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. ===================================================================================== Husband, wife & spare tyre HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE.... ===================================================================================== Too late for garbage Wife Running After A Garbage Truck: Am I Too Late For The Garbage? Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet. Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt. ===================================================================================== A man came home late at night after a party. His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?" The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'! Monday passed and he didn’t see her...... Tuesday and Wednesday passed too..... On Thursday his swelling became better And now he could see her from the corner of one eye. ===================================================================================== Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)? Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!" ===================================================================================== Why women starts with W You know why women starts with 'W'... because all questions start with "W".. ! Who ? Why ? What ? When ? Which ? Whom ? Where ? & Finally Wife..!!! ===================================================================================== NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN. ===================================================================================== Difference between Friend & Wife U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend" But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?" ==================================================================================== Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes! Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!! ===================================================================================== A recently fired stock trader said ... "This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..." ===================================================================================== Message of the year:- Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!! Why? Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!! ===================================================================================== Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you. Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life. ==================================================================================== Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover? Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week. ===================================================================================== Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you.!!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Poor husband

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”. Mom said, “Nai nai beti, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”

Friday, February 10, 2012

Laugh it off

Professor to a student in the class- Hey wake up ur neighbour.. student- tune sulaya to tu hi utha.... ************************************** AIEEE RESULTS WERE DECLARED << A boy messaged his rank to his friend... Friend replied : 'abey naya cell number liya hai kya? ***************************************** girl to her blind bf: kash tum dekh sakhte mein kitni khoobsurat hun boy: itni khubsurat hoti toh kya aakh wale tujhe mere liye chhod jatekya?...andha hun pagal nahi.......... ***************************************** ***************************************** After looking at her result: Girl: Kya ?? Mai english me fail hogyi?? ... ... ... UNPOSSIBLE !!!! ********************************************** Once Einsten was reading in class. A scorpio bit his toe but he continued reading with concentration. When sir asked him, He said that the scorpio bit him on the toe, not on mind, So he didnt lose his concentration. Friends, dis is what we call as... . . . OVER ACTING ! ****************************************** ******************************************** Pappu goes 4 an interview : Interviewer - Tumhara janm kahan hua tha? Pappu - Tiruvananthpuram. Interviewer - Spelling bolo? Pappu - mazaak kar rah tha GOA me hua tha ******************************************** Santa: Aj mere paas paisa hai, business hai, bangla hai... Tere paas kya hai?? Banta: Mere paas bhi paisa hai, business hai, bangla hai... Santa: Abey saale!!! Fir hamari maa kiske paas hai?? ============================================================================== And Last but not the least : Sir: Bachcho batao tumne "RAB NE BANA DI JODI" film se kya sikha?? Student: Sir, yehi ki agar mehnat ki jaaye to shaadi shuda ladki bhi patayi ja sakti hai...

Friday, January 13, 2012

are there any such public spirited pilots ????? Jokes apart....

Once Pawar, Vilasrao &
Kalmadi were traveling in a helicopter ..
Pawar drops a 100 Rs. Note & says ,
"I made 1 maharastrian happy "
Vilasrao drops two 50Rs. Notes and says ,
"I made 2 maharastrians happy ".
Kalmadi drops 100 ONE Rupee coins and says ,"I made 100 maharastrians
happy ."
Hearing this the PILOT says , "I will drop down all 3 of you and make ''8
CRORE Maharashrians Forever Happy..!