Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !' The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky. Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.

Unspoken truth experienced by all....

1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:

All women are devils...
But my wife is QUEEN of them!

2 Man was sent on earth to suffer...
Woman was sent to make sure it happens!
 
3. A man asked for poison.
Chemist refused, since it required prescription.
He showed his Marriage Certificate.
Chemist: Thank you.  What size would you like?

4. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and other is husband!

5. Husband & Wife always compromise.
    Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.

6. Husband & wife had a long argument.
    Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?

7. A man speaks 25000 words daily,
a woman speaks 30000 words.
Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000, & wife         begin her quota of 30000 words!


8. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:
     (1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &
     (2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.

*   He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;
*   He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;
* the one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &
*   the one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!
 
9.  No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...
     No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…
     No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...
     No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…
     Natural Disasters just happen…!!!

10. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
      The mafia wants either money or life...
      The wives want both!

11. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

12. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.  It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

13. Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.  Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

14. Whisky is a brilliant invention…
      One double and you start feeling single again.

sell your hubby on Ebay

Daughter –

Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

I am in Australia and he lives in the UK.

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,

he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.

Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father-

"Wow! Really!!

Then get married on Twitter,

have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.

And if you are fed up with your husband...

sell him on Ebay".

Wife knows EVERYTHING!

A SUPERB ad in paper:
"FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition.

Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. 
Wife knows EVERYTHING!"

Usey... "WIFE" Kehte

Duniya ke 2 sabse Mushkil Kaam 


1-Apni baat Kisi Aur Ke dimag Me Fit Karna..! 

2- Kisi Aur Ka Paisa Apni Jeb Mein shift karna! 


Jo Pehle Me Kamyab Hota Hai, Usey "Teacher" Kehte Hain,

Jo Doosre Me Kamyab Hota Hai, Usey "Business Man" Kehte 

hain 

Aur Jo 

 Dono 

 Mein Kamyab Hoti Hai Usey... "WIFE" Kehte

Hain....

customs for Apology if accidently man tore a girl’s short miniskirt

 

International customs for Apology
Japan Tokyo
A man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt in Tokyo. Before he had a chance to apologize, the girl did a 90 degree bow, and said: “I am sorry to give you trouble! The quality of my skirt is not good.” Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

New York, Time Square...
A man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before he had a chance to react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying : “This is my lawyer’s card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment. Better you prepare yourself, then we will see you in court.”

Paris, France
A French man accidently tore a girls’ miniskirt. Before he opened his mouth, the young girl said with a smile: “If you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology.” The French man bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly went to a hotel discussing what was in the miniskirt .

Thames, England
In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidently tore the mini skirt of a young lady. Before he could open his mouth, the young lady covered her torn spot, then said with a blush on her face: “Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close by…” The English man took his jacket off, put it on her shoulders, called a cab and took her home safely.

China, Chong Qing, China:
A man accidently cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man could say anything, the young lady slapped the guy and shouted. “You, sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me, I will make sure you go to the labor camp…”

Taiwan Shimending
A man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt. Before the guy could say a word, the girl smiled and said: “We have not settled on the price yet, and you want to inspect the merchandise?”

Korea
On the street of Yinchong, a man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before the man could speak, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: “Don’t you know that I have a second degree black belt in Tai Kwan Dao.”

Bangkok, Thailand
A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18 years old girl. Before the man could apologize, the girl said with a Buddha hand gesture: “No worries honey, ……we are all men .”
THIS IS NOT APOLOGY BUT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN MEDIA
Delhi, India
A man accidentally tore the mini skirt of a girl in Connaught place. Arnab Goswami shouted on Times Now: We are the first TV channel to unveil this exclusively. We shall track this to the very end. The Nation is watching!

Attention please.......

“AB AAP KI BARI HAI”

Girl: Paros wali Aunty mujhe bohat tang karti theen..
Jab b kisi ki Shadi hoti wo mere gaal kheench k kehti
“AB TUMHARI BARI HAI”

Phir maine un ki ye aadat khatam karwa di.

Friend: Kaise ?
Girl: Jab koi Mar jata tou main un k Gaal kheench k kehti..
“AB AAP KI BARI HAI”

'पति के साथ प्यार से कैसे रहें'

'पति के साथ प्यार से कैसे रहें'
उपरोक्त विषय पर औरतों का एक सेमीनार
हो रहा था।
उनसे एक सवाल किया गया कि आप अपने पति से
कितना प्यार करती हैं?
सभी औरतों ने अपने हाथ उठा दिए।
अगला सवाल था, "आपने अपने पति को I LOVE YOU कब
बोला था?"
किसी ने आज सुबह, किसी ने पिछले कल,
किसी ने कुछ दिन पहले बताया और कुछ को तो याद
भी नहीं था।
अब उनसे अपने-अपने मोबाइल से अपने पति को 'I LOVE
YOU,SWEET HEART' मैसेज भेजने को कहा गया
और आपस में एक दूसरे को उनके पति के जवाब को पढ़ने के
लिए कहा गया।
पतियों के जवाब में मैसेज कुछ ऐसे थे :
1. मेरे बच्चों की प्यारी माँ, तू पागल हो गई है क्या?
2. अब क्या हो गया ? कार तो नहीं ठोक दी?
3. क्या मतलब?
4. ??????
5. क्या कर दिया है तुमने? इस बार नहीं छोडूंगा तुझे।
6. क्या खरीदने जा रही हो, डार्लिंग? कितने पैसे
चाहिए?
7. सपना तो नहीं देख रहा हूँ मैं?
8. अरे मैडम! यह मैसेज गलती से तो मुझे नहीं भेज दया?
9. सुबह ही तुम कह रही थी कि कहीं जाना है,
ज्यादा तो नहीं पी ली है तुमने ?
और अंत में एक साहब का मैसेज तो यह भी था
10. कौन?k

Hilarious........too good ...

कृपया कमज़ोर दिल वाले न पढ़ें। यह एक
सच्ची घटना है जो पिछले महीने लोनावाला के पास
घटी।
एक युवक मुम्बई से पुणे अपनी कार से जा रहा था। जब
वह घाट के पास पहुँचा तभी अनहोनी घटी।
उसकी कार खराब हो गई और वहाँ दूर-दूर तक कोई
नज़र भी नहीं आ रहा था।
वह किसी कार से पास के कस्बे तक लिफ्ट लेने
की आशा में सड़क के किनारे-किनारे चलने लगा। रात
अँधेरी और तूफानी थी। पानी झमाझम बरस रहा था।
जल्दी ही वह पूरी तरह भीग गया और काँपने लगा।
उसे कोई कार नहीं मिली और पानी इतनी तेज बरस
रहा था कि कुछ मीटर दूर की चीजें भी नहीं दिखाई
दे रही थीं। तभी उसने एक कार को अपनी तरफ आते
देखा जो उससे पास आकर धीरे हो गई। लड़के ने आव
देखा न ताव, झट से कार
का पिछला दरवाजा खोला और अंदर कूद गया। जब
वह अपने मददगार को धन्यवाद देने के लिए आगे
झुका तो उसके होश उड़ गए क्योंकि ड्राइवर की सीट
खाली थी।
आगे की सीट खाली और इंजन की आवाज़ न होने के
बावजूद भी कार सड़क पर चल रही थी। लड़के ने
तभी आगे सड़क पर एक मोड़ देखा। अपनी मौत नजदीक
देख वह लड़का जोर-जोर से भगवान को याद करने
लगा। तभी खिड़की से एक हाथ आया और उसने कार के
स्टीयरिंग व्हील को मोड़ दिया। कार मोड़ से सकुशल
आगे बढ़ गई।
लड़का बुरी तरह भयभीत हो कर देखता रहा कि कैसे
हर मोड़ पर खिड़की से एक हाथ अंदर आता और
स्टीयरिंग व्हील को मोड़ देता। आखिरकार उस लड़के
को कुछ दूरी पर रोशनी दिखाई दी। लड़का झट से
दरवाजा खोल कर नीचे कूदा और सरपट
रोशनी की तरफ दौड़ा। यह एक
छोटा सा कस्बा था। वह सीधा एक ढाबे में रुका और
पीने को पानी माँगा।
फिर वह बुरी तरह रोने लगा। थोड़ी देर बाद
सामान्य होने पर उसने अपनी भयानक
कहानी सुनानी शुरु की। ढाबे में
सन्नाटा छा गया कि तभी..................
संता और बंता ढाबे में पहुँचे और संता लड़के की तरफ
इशारा करके बंता से बोला कि अरे यही वह बेवकूफ
लड़का है ना जो हमारी कार में कूदा था जब हम कार
को धक्का लगा रहे थे।

Laugh all the way...

Lord Ganesha had two wives Riddhi and Siddhi....
  Most men have one.... Ziddi National food of India ---- "KASAM"
 Sab khaaté hain.... 


 Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall ....
 And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch .... It'll move on its own!!

 Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hai ya aqalmandi?
 Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bahut achi lagti hai..

 Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India !
 Santa ke sir se khoon nikal raha tha.
 Dr - Ye kaise hua?
 Santa - Main hath se diwar tod raha tha, kisi ne kaha 'Paji kabhi
khopdi ka bhi istemal kar lia karo...'

 Promises are like babies!!
 Fun to make but Hell to deliver...

 Getting bored??? Need some adventure in life?
 Go to a stranger's wedding and scream.... 'Don't marry dear.... I
  still love you'!

 Insaan sub se zyada maafi kis ké saamané mangta hai?
 Guess, guess!
  Bihkari ke saamné ---- "Maaf karo Baba"

 One economical thought:

 'The best line which helps you save money when going for dinner with
  your girlfriend- . . . "Bol kya khayegi MOTI?"

Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman......
 Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!

Present days truth ...Aaj ka sach ......joke with a message..

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news .......

The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. 
"Sadly" says the Pope ,
*
*
* We would have to lose the Britannia Account............................

mini snacks

भिखारी कार में बैठी जीतो से, "मैडम 10 रुपये दे दो"।
जीतो पैसे देने के बाद बोली, "दुआ तो देते जाओ"।
भिखारी: कार में तो बैठी है मोटी, अब क्या राकेट पर बैठेगी?

Vah re khuda...

Ek Faqeer tha, Bheek mangne ke liye masjid ke bahar baitha tha... 

Sab namaazi aankh bacha kar chale gaye aur usse kuch na mila..
.
Wo phir church gaya.. 
.
Phir mandir aur phir gurudware...

.
Lekin usko kisi ne kuch na diya..
.
Aakhir 1 Beer Bar ke bahar aa kar baith gaya...

Jo bhi sharabi bahar nikalte woh uske katore me kuch daal dete...

Uska katora noto se bhar gaya...
.
.
Faqeer bola... "Waah re Upar wale"

Rehte kahan ho aur Address kahan ka dete ho..!!! 

Darling today is our anniversary

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary,
what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.




Foreigner FB Friend-"In India, do you guys call your wives HONEY in your native language?"

Indian- "oh no......sorry, we call them Bee-Bee, they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE"!! :-)




Dhongi Baba: Beta Tujhpar Ek Khatarnak Chudail Ka Saya Hai�

Pati: Baba Jaban Sambhal Ke Baat Karo Aur Khabardar Meri Biwi ne sun liya tosaya tumahare pe cha jayga.


भिखाऱी दादी रोटी दे दो खाने के लिए दादी अभी तैयार नही हुई है बाद मे आना.

भिखारी यह लो मेरा मोबाइल नंबर बन जाए तो मिस काँल दे देना .

दादीः अरे बेटा नंबर मत दो थोङी देर बाद जब रोटी बन जाएगी तो फेसबुक पर अपङेट कर दुगी !

Read this and Get MBA degree in a minute ...not a joke ( though a joke) ...

 Bank Robbery! Interesting!!


There was this robbery in Guangzhou (china) , the robber shouted to everyone:
"All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called
"Mind Changing Concept -
Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her
"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called
"Being Professional --
Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
------------------------------
When the robbers got back,
the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated),
"Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called

"Experience -- nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
------------------------------

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
The supervisor says "Wait, wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called
"Swim with the tide --
converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
--------------------------

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called
"Killing Boredom -- Happiness is most important."
------------------------------

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.
The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called Knowledge

Amir khan type comedy...

This Hotel in Shanghai 
looked pretty good on the internet, so my friend for a brochure in ENGLISH language. The same is reproduced below..!!

Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know the hotel is near, because you will go round the bend. The manager will have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome. Nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity.
Please feel free to ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her.

Hospitality:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to forget it...!!

wife and educated children know it all....

Truly a statement of century. In my case some of my family members know it all and thus condemn me being online. 

 

Thanks and Regards,
Alok Tholiya,

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)

YOU IDIOT !! Why didn't you keep two mistresses !!!!

New Sindhi Calculation !!

A Sindhi millionaire, to maintain a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a
house in his own name for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly
allowance of $5,000. The house cost him $700,000 in 2006.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A
quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman,
he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, she was very mad at him and gave
him a big mouthful...

She yelled at him and said......
Scroll down
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
YOU IDIOT !! Why didn't you keep two mistresses !!!!

laught all the way...

पप्पू ने FM रेडियो में फोन किया .. और कहा -:
...
मुझे न्यू रोड पे एक पर्स मिला है .. जिसमे 15000 /- रुपये, एक क्रेडिट कार्ड और
उसमे रहमान मलिक के नाम का आई डी मिला है .
..
रेडियो जॉकी (RJ )-: वाह आप कितने ईमानदार हैं क्या आप उन्हें वो पर्स वापस करना चाहेगे ..??
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पप्पू -: नहीं .. मै चाहता हूँ के उनके लिए एक सेड सॉंग बजाया जाये

Never Clap on Women’s Speech!

ELEVEN PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,   so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ...

Moral of the Story: Never Clap on Women’s Speech!

where the Hell were you when I got married?'

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the Hell were you when I got married?'

. But not the poor Groom !

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! 

Four Annas :

1. What is the difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi?

Einstein said that everything is relative whereas Karunanidhi

says that relative is everything

2. Why is Bangla Desh not sending a contingent to Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump or swim, has already crossed

the border of the country

3. Why did UPA Government demonetise 25 paise coins?

They could not manage one Anna, how could they manage four annas?

4. 100 phones tapped each day per operator.

Finally here is a government that listens to people.

5. Vote for Baba Ramdev.

He'll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.

6. Mayawati, Jayalalitha & Mamata should now form an alliance.

They can call it Behenji-Amma-Didi. Or BAD, for short.

7. Some days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense.

Other days, he is silent

8. Why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it's a solution.

9. Title of a documentary on Kingfisher's planes - "Saare Zameen Par"